Lit by the Fire: A Stone House Can't Burn

Boundaries, Dignity, and Building a Strong Foundation

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Where did the term "gaslighting" even come from? And why, lately, are we so quick to label others? I’m hearing more terms being thrown around than ever before—narcissist, gaslighting, boundary pusher, and the like. But what do these terms really mean? And not in the double rainbow way that makes you smile—at least, not me. Who are we to claim to truly know anything about someone else, especially in that regard? We may know how they make us feel, but even that can get complicated.

Can someone actually "make" us feel something? Feelings, after all, are our reactions to experiences. And let's face it, when it comes to personal dynamics, there's a lot to unpack here. Just writing about it, I’m getting a little twisted.

One thing I am clear about: I don’t love it when my boundaries are pushed. But, I’ll admit, I’m not always clear on what those boundaries are myself. It’s a goal of mine to express them when relevant, though. Generally, I start by sharing my values. For the most part, I find that people in alignment with my values don’t push those boundaries—unless they’re merely paying lip service. Then, of course, I share my boundaries explicitly.

If they get violated once or twice, I try to re-express them because, honestly, it’s not the other person’s job to remember and act on them perfectly. While I’d hope they want to respect them, communication is key. If the boundary gets crossed again, it may indicate misalignment. When there’s good faith on both sides, we can work through it. It’s a learning process, and practice makes progress—it doesn’t happen overnight. If someone doesn’t want to be aligned, I’m excellent at creating space. Not everyone is meant to align, and that’s more than okay—it’s what makes us all unique.

On the subject of boundaries, there was a time in my life when I felt completely lost. I remember literally Googling "what are healthy boundaries," not for an explanation, but for a list! I had no clue where to begin. For me, learning healthy boundaries has been a journey. Some of us are raised with great models, and some of us, well, aren’t.

Now, gaslighting—a term that’s been making the rounds lately. So, where did it come from, and what does it mean? The term "gaslighting" originates from a 1938 play called Gas Light, later adapted into a film. In the story, a husband manipulates his wife into doubting her own reality by dimming the gaslights and then denying that they are flickering. Gaslighting, as we understand it today, happens when someone’s words and actions don’t align, but they persistently deny or twist the truth to make you question your perception, emotions, or sanity.

So how does this tie into boundaries? Well, gaslighting often violates boundaries—intentionally or not. When you tell someone how you feel, and they manipulate your reality by saying, “That didn’t happen,” or, “You’re imagining things,” it can make you second-guess yourself. Gaslighting isn’t just about lies; it’s about control, about eroding your trust in yourself and your boundaries.

But here’s something else to consider: when we label others—whether it’s calling them a narcissist, a gaslighter, or some other term—we might unintentionally strip away their dignity. And when we strip their dignity, we often lose some of our own in the process. It’s easy to point fingers, but as the saying goes, when we point one finger, there are four pointing back at us. What if this tendency to label others is a form of gaslighting ourselves—a way to avoid looking deeper into our own reactions, our own boundaries, and our own truth?

Instead of focusing on labels, what if we shifted our attention to what those labels really mean for us? What about our reactions makes us so quick to categorize someone else's behavior? Could it be that these moments are invitations to reflect on where we need to strengthen our own foundation? After all, when we take ownership of our emotions, we reclaim our dignity.
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But the power to set, maintain, and enforce boundaries is always within us. It’s a skill we develop, sometimes painfully, but ultimately, it helps us protect our energy, mental health, and relationships. Remember, boundaries are for you. They’re about maintaining your integrity and ensuring that you feel safe and respected in your interactions with others. In a world filled with complex dynamics, our boundaries—just like the flicker of gaslights—are essential in illuminating what’s true for us.

So, why am I bringing this up?

What are your values? What are your boundaries? How do your values play out in your relationships and within your community? Are you being true to yourself? To your community? Or are you gaslighting yourself—or maybe even others?

What I care about here, mostly, is you.

Be very clear on what your values are so that you can be true to yourself. I spend most of my day talking about building a strong foundation—both physically and emotionally. Honestly, I believe they are one and the same. They’re so intertwined that most of us don’t even know how to unpack them, much like my “Google what healthy boundaries are” moment. If we’re solid physically, we can be emotionally available. And if we’re solid emotionally, we can certainly make time to be solid physically. After all, we’re here in this world to become the best versions of ourselves, right? That’s why you found me. That’s why we’re here at Monarch, working together to be good, great, and even better.

So back to values. Let’s get clear on this: Family isn’t a value. What does it mean to be part of a family? Is it about feeling loved, always showing up, being supportive, constructive, or critical? It’s different for all of us. Get clear on what that means to you. Now, health—is that a value? Maybe, if you’re clear about what it means to you. For instance, if I were to tell you that being healthy is my number one value, would you really know what that means to me? Probably not. Because for me, health is a moving target—constantly evolving and something I learn about as I go.

So, let’s get really clear together—as a community—so we can show up for each other. Let’s detox the noise, drop the labels, and claim our mental health. With clarity, there is sanity. Let's start there and build our strong foundations—inside and out.

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